Questions to ask your teen(s)
Before you begin a conversation with your teen see "Parent-Teen Communication" for tips on setting the stage for conversation and things to think about before you start.
Start with a simple question. One that isn't too personal to break the ice. The questions to ask your teen are written in bold. The text following the questions is information to help guide you through the conversation.
things that are bothering him or her. Ask probing questions and listen actively.
Make sure your body language and expression shows you are interested in what
He or she has to say.
If your teen shuts you down keep trying. It might be that the timing isn't great or
your teen might have too much going on at that moment to engage in a long
conversation.
friends have in their relationships? How long do relationships generally last? Do
his or her friends talk openly about the feelings they have towards their boyfriend
or girlfriend? Do his or her friends feel pressure to do things that they are not
ready for?
By asking these questions you can find out what your teen thinks about
relationships. It will give you an opportunity to discuss misconceptions and
teach about healthy relationships.
your definition of abusive or violent behaviors. Here are a couple of examples:
A boy sees his girlfriend talking to another guy so he posts a vicious
rumor about her on social media.
A girl wants to leave a party with her boyfriend. He is talking with some
friends and is not ready to leave. After repeatedly saying his name and not
getting a response she slaps him in the face.
Would you call this violent? What does your teen think about these examples?
This is an opportunity to define what is and isn't acceptable behavior in dating
relationships and to further define abusive behavior.
can occur as psychological or emotional abuse, threats, violence, and other
abusive behavior in dating relationships. Girls can also be abusive in a dating
relationship because of jealousy, lack of attention, or many other reasons.
This question may spark some difficult conversations. Know what your thoughts
and beliefs are regarding dating violence. It may help to share any experiences
you have had with abusive behaviors.
may think that being in a relationship, even if it is violent, is better than not
being in a relationship.
2. A teen may not have seen or been in a healthy relationship and may think that
this is "what love is".
3. A young person may think that the abuser will reveal personal secrets about
him or her if he or she tries to escape the relationship.
4. A victim of abuse may want the abuse to end, but not the relationship.
5. The victim might fear that his or her family will be disappointed in him or her
for being in an abusive relationship.
6. The victim of abuse may fear that if he or she leaves the abuser will retaliate
against him or her, and/or his or her family and friends.
7. The teen experiencing abuse may not reveal he or she is in an abusive
relationship because he or she is afraid his or her parents may not allow
the dating to continue.
consider that arguments should remain fair and not escalate out of control.
In a healthy relationship there should be mutual respect and honest, open
communication. Each partner should respect the other's individuality and
personal boundaries. In a healthy relationship there is no verbal, emotional,
physical, or sexual abuse. Talk to your teen about healthy relationships you
have had. Actively listen to your teen's thoughts and ideas on healthy
relationships and help them understand any misconceptions he or she has about
a healthy versus unhealthy relationship.
friend:
-Listen to what he or she has to say without being judgmental.
-Let him or her know that you are there for him or her whenever he or she
needs to talk.
-Let him or her know you are worried about the situation.
-Assure him or her that you won't tell anyone else unless you fear for his or
her physical safety.
-Help you friend find resources.
-Offer to go with him or her to a counselor.
-Be supportive in his or her decisions.
-Check in with your friend often, so that he or she knows someone cares, and
is worried about him or her.
If your teen has a friend that is an abuser the following information may be helpful:
-If you witness a friend being abusive to his or her partner let him or her know
what you saw and how it made you feel.
-Let your friend know that you will not tolerate that type of behavior.
-Let him or her know that there are consequences for his actions.
-Urge him or her to seek help.
-Help him or her locate resources for abusers.
-Let your friend know that you care about him or her and know that it is
possible for him or her to change the abusive behaviors.
Many teens may not be aware that a certain action or behavior is abusive.
Calling the friend out on his or her behavior will encourage him or her to take
a closer look at his or her actions.
heard in the media: on television, in music, or advertisement. Ask your teen what
his or her thoughts are on these messages. This is a time where you can clearly
state your thoughts and values regarding the abusive messages seen and heard
in the media.
abuse. At this time your teen may reveal that he or she is in an abusive
relationship, or that he or she has been abusive in the relationship. If this
happens take a deep breath, and remember who the focus is: your teen.
If your son or daughter is in an abusive relationship let your teen know that
you love him or her and that you are glad he or she has opened up to you about
this. Expect that your teen will struggle with thoughts about breaking up with his
or her partner--ending a relationship takes time and is hard. Whatever you do,
you should not prevent your teen from seeing his or her partner. This may
jeopardize your teen's safety, as well as prevent him or her from being open
with you about anything in the future. Ask him or her what you can do to help.
Find a counselor that specializes in teen dating abuse. Let your teen know that
you are there to support him or her. You might also call the National Domestic
Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) for advice on how to help your teen through
this situation.
If your son or daughter reveals that he or she has become abusive in the
relationship, you need to support your teen in this situation as well. Let your teen
know you love him or her and that you are glad he or she confided in you. Be firm
in letting your teen know that this is unacceptable behavior and that it must stop.
Offer to help your teen find resources for abusers within the community or a
counselor that specializes in dating abuse. Ask your teen what you can do to
help. Make sure that your teen knows that he or she can talk to you about this
without fear of being punished. Helping your teen change his or her behaviors
now is one of the most important things you can do for your teen.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Now that you have had this discussion with your teen remember that communication is not a one time event. Have this conversation with your teen many times. Keep checking in with your teen and let him or her know that you are always there to listen and talk to. Assure your teen that you will always support and accept him or her.
For more information see the following source:
A Parent's Guide to Teen Dating Violence: 10 questions to start the conversation.
- How is everything going for you?
things that are bothering him or her. Ask probing questions and listen actively.
Make sure your body language and expression shows you are interested in what
He or she has to say.
If your teen shuts you down keep trying. It might be that the timing isn't great or
your teen might have too much going on at that moment to engage in a long
conversation.
- Do you have friends that are dating? What are their relationships like?
friends have in their relationships? How long do relationships generally last? Do
his or her friends talk openly about the feelings they have towards their boyfriend
or girlfriend? Do his or her friends feel pressure to do things that they are not
ready for?
By asking these questions you can find out what your teen thinks about
relationships. It will give you an opportunity to discuss misconceptions and
teach about healthy relationships.
- Have you ever witnessed any abusive behavior between two people that are dating?
your definition of abusive or violent behaviors. Here are a couple of examples:
A boy sees his girlfriend talking to another guy so he posts a vicious
rumor about her on social media.
A girl wants to leave a party with her boyfriend. He is talking with some
friends and is not ready to leave. After repeatedly saying his name and not
getting a response she slaps him in the face.
Would you call this violent? What does your teen think about these examples?
This is an opportunity to define what is and isn't acceptable behavior in dating
relationships and to further define abusive behavior.
- Why do you think abuse may occur in a dating relationship?
can occur as psychological or emotional abuse, threats, violence, and other
abusive behavior in dating relationships. Girls can also be abusive in a dating
relationship because of jealousy, lack of attention, or many other reasons.
This question may spark some difficult conversations. Know what your thoughts
and beliefs are regarding dating violence. It may help to share any experiences
you have had with abusive behaviors.
- Why do you think someone would stay in an abusive relationship?
may think that being in a relationship, even if it is violent, is better than not
being in a relationship.
2. A teen may not have seen or been in a healthy relationship and may think that
this is "what love is".
3. A young person may think that the abuser will reveal personal secrets about
him or her if he or she tries to escape the relationship.
4. A victim of abuse may want the abuse to end, but not the relationship.
5. The victim might fear that his or her family will be disappointed in him or her
for being in an abusive relationship.
6. The victim of abuse may fear that if he or she leaves the abuser will retaliate
against him or her, and/or his or her family and friends.
7. The teen experiencing abuse may not reveal he or she is in an abusive
relationship because he or she is afraid his or her parents may not allow
the dating to continue.
- Describe to me what you think makes a healthy relationship?
consider that arguments should remain fair and not escalate out of control.
In a healthy relationship there should be mutual respect and honest, open
communication. Each partner should respect the other's individuality and
personal boundaries. In a healthy relationship there is no verbal, emotional,
physical, or sexual abuse. Talk to your teen about healthy relationships you
have had. Actively listen to your teen's thoughts and ideas on healthy
relationships and help them understand any misconceptions he or she has about
a healthy versus unhealthy relationship.
- What can you do if you have a friend that is in an abusive relationship--or a friend that is an abuser?
friend:
-Listen to what he or she has to say without being judgmental.
-Let him or her know that you are there for him or her whenever he or she
needs to talk.
-Let him or her know you are worried about the situation.
-Assure him or her that you won't tell anyone else unless you fear for his or
her physical safety.
-Help you friend find resources.
-Offer to go with him or her to a counselor.
-Be supportive in his or her decisions.
-Check in with your friend often, so that he or she knows someone cares, and
is worried about him or her.
If your teen has a friend that is an abuser the following information may be helpful:
-If you witness a friend being abusive to his or her partner let him or her know
what you saw and how it made you feel.
-Let your friend know that you will not tolerate that type of behavior.
-Let him or her know that there are consequences for his actions.
-Urge him or her to seek help.
-Help him or her locate resources for abusers.
-Let your friend know that you care about him or her and know that it is
possible for him or her to change the abusive behaviors.
Many teens may not be aware that a certain action or behavior is abusive.
Calling the friend out on his or her behavior will encourage him or her to take
a closer look at his or her actions.
- What kinds of messages do you receive about dating and dating abuse in the media?
heard in the media: on television, in music, or advertisement. Ask your teen what
his or her thoughts are on these messages. This is a time where you can clearly
state your thoughts and values regarding the abusive messages seen and heard
in the media.
- How is your dating relationship going?
abuse. At this time your teen may reveal that he or she is in an abusive
relationship, or that he or she has been abusive in the relationship. If this
happens take a deep breath, and remember who the focus is: your teen.
If your son or daughter is in an abusive relationship let your teen know that
you love him or her and that you are glad he or she has opened up to you about
this. Expect that your teen will struggle with thoughts about breaking up with his
or her partner--ending a relationship takes time and is hard. Whatever you do,
you should not prevent your teen from seeing his or her partner. This may
jeopardize your teen's safety, as well as prevent him or her from being open
with you about anything in the future. Ask him or her what you can do to help.
Find a counselor that specializes in teen dating abuse. Let your teen know that
you are there to support him or her. You might also call the National Domestic
Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) for advice on how to help your teen through
this situation.
If your son or daughter reveals that he or she has become abusive in the
relationship, you need to support your teen in this situation as well. Let your teen
know you love him or her and that you are glad he or she confided in you. Be firm
in letting your teen know that this is unacceptable behavior and that it must stop.
Offer to help your teen find resources for abusers within the community or a
counselor that specializes in dating abuse. Ask your teen what you can do to
help. Make sure that your teen knows that he or she can talk to you about this
without fear of being punished. Helping your teen change his or her behaviors
now is one of the most important things you can do for your teen.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Now that you have had this discussion with your teen remember that communication is not a one time event. Have this conversation with your teen many times. Keep checking in with your teen and let him or her know that you are always there to listen and talk to. Assure your teen that you will always support and accept him or her.
For more information see the following source:
A Parent's Guide to Teen Dating Violence: 10 questions to start the conversation.